Secret lives of married women

Times contributor Kate Figes has interviewed more than 100 people for her book "Couples: the Truth" and compiled her observations in an article "Sex, lies and affairs: inside the minds of the married woman" for The Times.

The article explores the reasons, the needs behind women's (white) lies and extramarital affairs.

Some of the interviews speak of emotionally or sexually neglected women or others who just want to experiment or regain self-esteem.

"Evie, 45, who has been married to her childhood sweetheart for 25 years, had a six-month affair when her 2 children were small. With severe financial difficulties, her husband had become withdrawn and, “I responded by having an affair, because I just wanted to be something other than a wife and a mother. It was all about meeting up for a couple of hours in bed in the early hours of the morning; a little period of stolen romance.”

"Ruth, 43, deliberately initiated a one-night stand when she was abroad for work. “I had been married for ten years to my first boyfriend, and I think I just wanted to prove that I could. It made me feel wonderful, because I had never had that experience before.”

“You go through your own moral battle when you buy something for yourself that you really want, but know is too expensive,” says Karen, an architect in her forties. “So the last thing you need is having to go through it all again with him.”

Figes writes: "Women’s lies and secrets tend to be based on an essential pragmatism, a resignation at their lot for the sake of the family unit. They take the long view. “Men are so simple. They think we are complicated and devious, but they don’t think to ask us what we want, and we don’t say,” says Clara. “I know I don’t, because I am frightened that it will open up a Pandora’s box, where I will say something too sensitive and he will turn around and say something worse. So it is much better to keep the box shut and the marriage rolling along nicely.”

Author Kate Figes points out the disadvantages of contemporary relationships:

"The trouble with modern relationships is that we are supposed to share every intimacy. Not so very long ago, men and women were expected to occupy separate spheres. Now, the presumption is that there must be something wrong with your relationship if you pursue interests individually, or cannot confide every secret. Ironically, these new pressures may be merely forcing us to be more deceitful, for some privacy is essential for a sense of autonomy."

Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall agrees to Figes' observations:

“It is unwise to share everything in your head, for relationships flourish on a sense of difference and the unknown.” 

Cecilia d’Felice, clinical psychologist adds:

“The idea that we should bare everything isn’t that sensible,” says d’Felice. “We need to be careful about revealing what we really think at times about our partners, because we can find them deeply irritating one day, and love them the next. There is also this myth that our partner must somehow complete us – the idea of a soul mate. But you can never expect your partner to fix you up like that. We have to do that for ourselves.” 


Read more in The Times...