Gender disappointment: Mothers who are unhappy with the sex of their baby

'I cried in bed for two days,' writes one woman, a mother of two boys, upon discovering her third child was also a boy. Another mother of three boys writes: 'I honestly don't think I'll ever get over not having a girl. I think about it every day, and the  disappointment never goes away. I will carry this agony with me for the rest of my life.'

A mother of four boys adds: 'I was such a wreck, a friend suggested I get psychiatric help. I always thought I would have a daughter and I can still see her face so clearly in my mind.' (Read more stories from Daily Mail)

Are they selfish? Are they shallow? These are the thoughts that occupy their minds. And if this is not enough, these women must face with society's expectations of how a "good mother" should feel and behave.

"You should be happy of having such a beautiful boy/girl" or "the most important is that your baby is healthy," they hear these well-intentioned phrases, while outsiders cannot imagine their pain that their can lead to serious phsycologial problems.

'The very nature of saying you are disappointed in your child goes against everything we believe motherhood to be about. Most women who feel this way also feel huge amounts of guilt and shame because they think they are letting their baby down,' says the founder of parenting website netmums.com, Siobhan Freegard. 

In an illustration of how far gender disappointment can lead, last week it emerged that a London GP committed suicide after IVF treatment failed. It is believed that the woman, who has a daughter, was desperate to provide her husband with a son, writes the Daily Mail.

Australian website, Belly Belly says, gender disappointment is fairly common and is nothing to feel ashamed about. The site lists four reasons why women may feel disappointed in the gender of their baby:

• They were abused as a child
• They feel they’ll be unable to connect to a particular gender
• They have several children of the same gender already
• Pressure from family to fulfil the need for a specific gender

The longing for a child of a specific sex is often so strong that women will resort to any measure possible to get the baby they want. Many websites provide "useful tips" on how to conceive the gender they want.

Natural methods range from creating specific ovulation charts (Jonas Method, Shettles Method), taking herbal supplements and certain vitamins, to eating diets rich in potassium and sodium for a boy, or calcium and magnesium for a girl.

However, currently the only way to make sure of the sex of a baby is pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD), which involves creating embryos via traditional IVF and then implanting only embryos of a certain sex.

Dianne McGreal is a Clinical Psychologist experienced in grief counselling. In order to deal with the situation, McGreal advises that moms first must acknowledge their grief and feel that their emotions are validated. It’s okay to feel disappointment and/or loss for the baby they wanted and they should express it in a way they feel safe to do so. McGreal suggests sitting down and writing an honest and open letter, explaining all their thoughts and feelings of their loss, written to the child that they grieve. Alternatively, they can also write to the baby that they are having or have had. In this letter, they can tell the baby that they yearn for the opposite gender and what they feel they will miss. The next step, McGreal says, is to create a special ritual as a closure, such as burning the letter and taking it to the beach, letting it’s ashes scatter into the ocean or burying it.