How To Not Be A Douchebag Tourist In NYC

COED Magazine 04/03/2009 22:58

Millions of people visit New York City every year. Unfortunately, naive visitors throw a wrench into the delicate gears of this busy city with their clueless meanderings and obtrusive groups. Because of this, tourists are the most despised group of people in a city that likes to judge people.

Here are a few unwritten laws of the land that you must follow to avoid coming across as a total douche, and pissing everyone around you off in the process.

Driving: Don’t. Public transportation here works. Take it. But if you must drive, we have some rules, so we suggest you do so with this in mind: everyone else is trying to get where they’re going as fast as f**king possible. If you can go, go–stop only for red lights, children, dogs, other cars, bicycles, motorcycles/Chinese delivery men and pedestrians with the right of way.

Get used to changing lanes, merging and driving close to other sh*t. In New York, we change lanes–a lot–looking for a better path. Don’t be afraid of it. Just pay attention to what’s happening around you (that’s called driving) and you’ll be alright.

The merge is what keeps everything moving. To properly merge in slow traffic (like entrances to bridges and tunnels), someone should be let in every other car. That means, you should let in one person only, and move forward. Unlike driving in the rest of the country, in New York, lane merges happen at the last possible point (like at a fork in the road, not three miles before). Because of our ever-other-car rule, it happens faster than anywhere else! Especially since you aren’t expected to drop down to 45 mph for half an hour leading up to the merge point, *cough* *cough*…

Lastly, New York is tightly packed. Don’t be surprised if people are on your bumper, or walking extra close to your car. It’s how it is. Deal with it and don’t freak out. Good thing is, if you’re doing anything wrong, we’ll be sure to let you know…*honk* *honk*

Ordering Food or Drinks: Figure out your entire order before getting to the counter, bar, or having a waitress come over. Once someone asks you what you want, tell them as quickly and coherently as possible. Have money ready. If you’re standing in line, move out of the way so others can step forward. The goal is to complete the transaction as quickly as possible.

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